Gentleman's health warning

 

“My wife has a well maintained 'lady garden', and it's most enjoyable. Especially when I'm providing pleasure of the oral variety.

She does however get annoyed when she returns the favour, 

and ends up choking on one of my freakishly long pubes.”

A hair removal product for man is causing some furore on the web as costumers post their reviews. For the blokes that go the extra mile in grooming, a warning in advance:  read the bumph properly.

Check out some of the reviews below. It's fair to say that they got into the swing of things somehow. From the information here, you'll be able to find out what product is being discussed. Enjoy: 

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION 

I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.

Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.

Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.

However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children.

All in all an effective and reasonably priced product - 3 Stars. 

The good lady wife has used the original women's version of this for years and has always had ladies bits smoother than a Teddy Pendergrass album. So when she pointed out that it was looking like Terry Waite's allotment inside my pants I decided to take action.

The first mistake was letting the missus get involved in the process. She joined me in the shower with the tube of ****, put a liberal amount in her hand and proceeded to cover not only my pubis overgrowth but also my nads and old boy. Five minutes later I was in complete agony and experiencing a burning sensation that could not have been worse had I fired up the wok-ring on the gas hob and lowered myself slowly onto it. Realising my pain she tried to hose the cream off but it was too early, I hadn't left it on long enough to do its business. The water uncovered bald patches interspersed with clumps of wizened pubes and I'm now left with a groin area that's so inflamed and wrinkled it looks like Sid James with alopecia.

Saying that, if you keep it away from the groin area and follow the instructions it does work. Whilst sitting on the sofa with a fan blowing cold air inbetween my legs to reduce the swelling I found one of my daughters stencils under the sofa. I've now got a great silhouette of Peppa Pig in my chest hair. Five stars....

The ladies in the office put me on to **** when they saw some of my garden path protruding above my belt line.

The first thing to say about **** is how discrete it is. Who would know that in this small inconspicuous tube lies a chemical so potent that I would subsequently spend a month in traction after inadvertently getting some on my member. Hot stuff!

This though was a small price to pay for the foliage free look I now sport. My garden path is well and truly pruned, Alan Titchmarsh would be proud. The ladies in the office are suitably impressed and regularly ask to see my sleek new look. Bonus!

All in all, top dollar!  

Inspired by glowing reviews of pubeless virvana but doubting some of the more extreme tales of its efficiency, I purchased a couple of tubes of **** For Men and liberally applied to my wedding tackle. I hardly noticed a thing whilst it was on, but I'm so manly I can watch First Blood and Terminator 2 without crying at the ending. After rinsing it off I liberally applied alcohol to my hairless nether regions. The next day I woke up to find that I no longer had a foreskin although I later found it in my bed shrivelled and dried, looking like a Hula Hoop. I am now applying for part time jobs as a porn star. Top marks for this splendid product. 

Not great Success downstairs 

I used this product with mixed success on my he-snatch which was starting to look scene from day of the triffids. I liberated a large amount from the container and slapped it around the man-ginia.

For a short moment I thought success, as a felt I light sizzling sensation, however it was short lived as the sizzling turned to smoke as my cock main was disintigrated leaving a now swelling pink zeppelin and what could only be described as two giant 1970's space hoppers.

I have been to doctor on a regular basis for the treatment however there doesn't seem to be a cure for the permenant erection of my foot long member which now has the girth of a truck. In some ways it resembles miss piggys leg. Least the missus is happy...

My he whoring days are over.. 

Wow - what can i say. I had a bit of a forest down there, and every time i went for a wee, i'd undo my zip and pull out about 500 hairs before i finally found my love pipe, so i decided it was time to do something about it.

The cream went on very easily, i can't fault it for doing what it says, in removes hair, but so would an oxy-acetylene blow torch. After about 5 minutes, i had a nice glowing warming sensation on my scrotum, but within 10 minutes, my bollocks were engulfed in a searing heat, as though someone had just tossed a petrol bomb at a space hopper.

The pain was pretty horrendous, i watched in amazement as the hairs disappeared en mass, but i also watched in fear as my ball-sack withered disintegrated right before my very eyes. I had to think fast, so i rammed my baby beads into a large tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and sat there for about 30 minutes until the pain had died down a while. It worked a treat, and not only that, i managed to pop the ice-cream back into the freezer and it's reset back to normal again.

My ball-sack is now soft, smooth and completely hairless. It looks like i've got Right Said Fred in my underpants. Overall 3 stars, i'd have given it 5 stars but it's taken 2 inches off my length and left me with the libido of an asthmatic ant carrying a heavy shopping bag. 

Shaven Haven? 

Mmmmm, so curiosity got the better of me. After reading all of these positive reviews regarding the effectiveness of this product, I thought it would be worth a try as I am somewhat of a pre-historic mammoth man under these finely tailored suits and although dem girls dem girls dey all love me, what with summer coming on I thought it would be an ideal time to get down to the wood.

Normally I would use my other halfs lady trim on my one eyed bald headed champion and his two mates, but this involves extreme yoga in having to place one foot in the sink whilst firmly rooting the other to the floor and using one hand to keep the power cable in the socket whilst using the other hand to shave ones hoop. Not an easy task I can assure you. Then of course I get the ear ache from 'er indoors when she next comes to use her lady shave and it is clagged up with thick, damp, soiled hair shavings with a suspicious stench, so this product sounded like a God send.

So to the first attempt. I took an hour to relax in a nice hot bath, with aromatherapy candles (lavender of course), dim lighting, the sound of whales frolicking on the ipad. So good so far.

After an hour or so and fast approaching looking like an elephants scrotum, i left the bath, towel dried and Johnsoned my johnson.

I too read the instructions that come with this product and indeed it does clearly state not to be used on ones genitalia, however warnings like this are usually purely for liability purposes in the rare event that something adverse does occur. You know the type. Like on light bulb boxes where they state "This item is not intended to be inserted anally", yet who's ever experienced problems in doing that, certainly not me.

So I took a spatula and proceeded to blather the area above my pensioners leg and of course the main reason for the cream, the coconuts.

All seemed to go well at first, a mild tingling was experienced, but i gotta admit, I kind of enjoyed it.

3-4 minutes later, after a gentlemens rinse, as promised by the instructions, I started shedding. No longer was I Chewbaccas secret love child, but now I was Super Vern, smooth, clean, aero dynamic and with Kojak and Yull Bryner in my thong I was ready to go.

However, shortly after this short lived euphoria life began to change.

My once fine and healthy bagdad soon began to feel the burn as described by the other reviewers. And it didn't stop :(

I tried many things to soothe the burn, tea bagging a bowl of milk, a bag of peas (which by the way we had with a meal the next night and my wife commented how tasty they were! I couldnt help but chuckle to myself), pack in ice, but all to no avail.

The burn got worse and I can only liken it taking a naga chilli and grating it down your blow hole and sitting back.

For those old timers among you, to draw comparison to what my baw bag ended up looking like, I direct you to that classic scene in Robocop when Emile drives into the toxic waste tank and comes out with flesh melting and dripping off him. Well imagine that but couple it with the type of pain you get when you stub your little toe in the middle of the night when going for that weak bladder pee at 2am.

Of course it all got better over the course of the next few days and made me realise that been a hairy chap downstairs is nothing to be ashamed of and that these young, metrosexual types have a lot to answer for. So hairy men of the world I implore you to embrace your manliness and instead of shaving, be creative, try plaits instead.

All in all this product is excellent and does exactly what it states that it will do if followed correctly. So a big thumbs up from me. 

Having started a new relationship I thought it was time to treat the three piece suite to a Spring clean. Being a bloke, I naturally discarded the instructions at the earliest opportunity as, who needs them ? So I liberally applied the cream to the old todger and scrotumous overgrownius area and left it to de-forest the region for a time. Afterwards, the balls looked like beetroot, only more red, and it is difficult to walk without the aid of a walking frame and handfuls of nappy rash cream smeared generously over the area.The specialist said I can resume dancing, which is a comfort, as I never could dance. All in all, it is a good product and I now have the smoothest balls in Warwickshire, for a while anyway.

I know it is contrary to normal behaviour but do observe the instructions. If you are planning a special evening out, then use it 3 days before you go.

Good luck.

Mistadee. 

Genital Napalm 

My wife has a well maintained 'lady garden', and it's most enjoyable. Especially when I'm providing pleasure of the oral variety.

She does however get annoyed when she returns the favour, and ends up choking on one of my freakishly long pubes.

"Get rid of them" she said.

"What's the worst that could happen ?" she said.

Eventually I relented and purchased the **** for Men.

Naturally, I completely disregarded the instructions, and set to work.

I shut myself in the bedroom, stripped naked, and slapped the creme between my legs.

At first there was just a mild tingling sensation, but I realised something was wrong when I became aware of the noxious vapours emanating from my groin, then the creme started dripping from my 'old fella' and burning a hole in the floor.

'This can't be right' I thought, then I made the mistake of opening the window to get some fresh air in the room. The addition of more oxygen to the vapours caused a small explosion that threw me across the room, leaving me with a couple of broken ribs and a fractured foot.

The pain of broken bones was nothing though, compared to the inferno of agony that was burning between my thighs. I clambered to my feet as best I could and started limping towards the bathroom, and the salvation of cold water.

By this point I was howling with pain. Combined with the noise of the explosion, it brought my family to see what was wrong. As I hobbled out of the bedroom, I met my daughter. The sight of me naked with a flayed and blistered member instantly caused her to burst into tears. My son however, when confronted with the same spectacle, started laughing.

Pushing past them, I made my way to the shower. Setting it to cold and turning it on, I ripped it from the wall in my eagerness to relieve the intense pain. Unfortunately, upon coming into contact with my super-heated flesh, the cold water formed billowing clouds of steam that obscured my view, and left me unable to see the bar of soap lying on the now wet floor.

Standing on the soap, I slipped and fell, cracking my head on the edge of the toilet. My last memory, as I slipped into blissful unconsciousness, was hearing my wife screaming about the state of the bedroom carpet.

I woke from a medically induced coma two weeks later, only to find that my spuds had been surgically removed, I had suffered third degree burns to 20% of my body, and what was left of my member looked like Freddie Kruger.

To sum up then :

This product left me barren, deformed, and unable to perform in bed.

It did however remove all of that pesky, problematic hair. 5 STARS !!! 

On my god.... I basted my bollocks in this stuff earlier today for a few minutes and it is agonising! Phew...Even now 2 hours after following the instructions, my sack feels like it has been removed from my nuts using a truffle grater!

I think you could achieve the same result far less painfully if you got your missus to burn your stragglys off with a hot cutting torch!

I have always had a high pain threshold and loved the hottest food you can have so the reviews did not deter me from trying the product. The worst part is that this killer gel even looks and initially fells cooling and refreshing when you apply it enduring you to apply more.... Then before you could take the time to wash it off in the shower, the billions of molecular sized piranha fish are having a feeding frenzy on your nuthouse!

As far as its effectiveness of removing bollock hair, I have not got a clue as I dare not look at what tatters may be left! Given I probably have no sack skin left, my intuitive skills of deduction tell me that all the hairs will be gone along with anything attached to them! 

Good results at first interrogation 

Excellent product. Most prisoners confessed within five minutes of the first application. Can recommend.

Yours,

Ali Muhabarakah,

Secret Police, Damascus 

Seeing as spring is in the air, I decided to ditch the old Phillips flymo and go for a chemicaly stubble free garden.

I tentatively applied said evil smelling unguent to ones own merry maypole and carried on down to the tatey sack and went 2 laps around the old rusty bullet hole for good measure with the spatula.

No pain at first but just like a good curry, it sneaks up you and pretty soon my barking spider was screaming in ultrasound agony sufficiently loud enough to degrease the old villiers bike engine in my garage remarkably well, which saved me a job that I wasn't looking forward to

After a week of walking around looking like i had developed rickets, my meat seeking pissile is still as shiny as my freshly rechromed exhausts (and just as thermally uncomfortable to the touch). On the whole, its a good product if your the kind of person who pays unwholesome attention to those little cards left in phone boxes by "Mistress Whippybitch and i would say its marginally less unpleasant than the haemmoroid treatment i tried made from lemon juice and molten lead.

onwards and upwards! 

Being a Double for Brad Pitt has its advantages. I have a very close resemblance (not in the way you see some people who look like someone famous who had been boiled in chip fat) to the actor which has guaranteed me some lady attention. Mother nature being the bitch she is has decided to even things up with my handsome looks doubled with a body like chewbacca. If I was the age I am now but living in the 70s, I would certainly be king of the castle and probably be making 'the sort of films' that were aplenty during that period, but this is 2012 and there is no use for us men who can double as a bear rug. To combat this gorilla look I have, I take a monthly Acid bath which makes me look human at least for 3 weeks until i sprout another grass like coat. As you can imagine, my time spent with the ladies usually only lasts a few dates so I decided to take drastic action to combat this problem. While perusing the aisles of B&Q I came across **** FOR MEN next to the power tools.

I read the product description and decided that this was the product i had been born to use. Me-1 mother nature-0.

The ingredients in the bottle where Napalm, Dried chilli flakes, plutonium and lava. I thought "hmmmm, this sounds safe" How wrong was I!!!

I went home and lathered myself with this product paying extra attention to my genital hedge and 'choco exaust port' with disregard to the instructions. Instantly I began to glow like a zillion candle floodlight with pain akin to showering under a space rocket. I jumped in the shower to relieve the agony only to block the shower drain with a mass of fur. WARNING, water and this corrosive mixture = pain. Water running down my body felt like getting sand blasted onto your sunburn. Exiting the shower I was suprised to see that all traces of hair were destroyed. My man patch looks like E.T and my ring resembles a halo, never again will I have dangleberries. I'm sure, in the months to come when I lose the red aura and my farts don't burn there way out of my ringo I can face life again. Although, Brad Pitt no more. I'm doubling for Duncan Goodhew now!!!! 

and it goes on... 

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