A+ A A-

I've applied for a job at the Daily Mail. Here's my application letter

By Tom Pride
 
 
One of our contributors seeks better rates of pay.
"
My name is Thomas Pride and I’m senior political editor at Pride's Purge. Well actually I'm the only editor at Pride's Purge - or person even - but my good friend Mehdi Hasan suggested I drop you a line as I’m very keen to write for the Daily Mail.
 
Although I am on the left of the political spectrum, and disagree with the Mail’s editorial line on a range of issues such as, well, just about everything you could think of really, I have always admired the paper’s passion, rigour, boldness and, of course, top rates of pay.
 
While you may think I differ substantially from the Mail's usual columnists - I can assure you I believe very strongly that the Mail has a vitally important role to play on important contemporary matters which I am very keen to highlight - particularly substantive issues such as for example the dire state of my bank account.
 
Admittedly, there could be some minor social issues on which you may think we do not see eye to eye. For example I tend to regard disadvantaged children as the nation's most wasted valuable resource - a massive and damaging failure of collective consensus and public investment in the very people who hold the future of our society and our planet in their tiny hands - as opposed to the disposable factory fodder for multinational corporations that you obviously see them as.
 
http://tompride.co.uk/
 
And I have to admit I quite admire single mothers - the vast majority of them single-handedly bringing up their children with love and providing them with solace and security while often trying to hold down a badly-paid job with little or no support from anyone else - while you tend to see them as legions of demonic harpies intent on bringing about the destruction of middle England and every value we hold dear- ready to plunge us all into a dark age of immorality, malfeasance and delinquency in their relentless quest to suck the nation's hard-working millionaires dry of their hard-won luxury lifestyles, private yachts and tax breaks.
 
But I'm sure we could just agree to disagree on that, couldn't we?
 
I believe – as does Mehdi – that if you decided to employ me as one of your columnists, I could be a fresh, passionate, polemical and contrarian, not to mention a much richer, voice on the comment and feature pages of your award-winning newspaper. My contributions would provide an alternative view of the world for your readers - with a column noticeably unlike the rest of your newspaper's content because it would include facts, reason and things which were true.
 
For the record, I am not a Labour tribalist and am often ultra-critical of the left – especially on social and moral issues such as the morality of selling yourself out to a right-wing, tiny-minded red-top rag owned by a nazi-sympathising family of tax exiles who give so much scarcity of shit about our country that they don't even live here.
 
I however - unlike my fellow leftists and liberals - have no such qualms.
 
I could therefore write pieces for the Mail critical of Labour and the left, from “inside” Labour and the left - with the level of disparagement and opprobrium directly correlated to the amount of money you pay me. A couple of grand ( I believe that's known as a 'Geoffrey Archer' in Fleet street slang) would get you say a few insinuations of incompetence levelled at my fellow leftists - with at least ten grand for fully-made up stories of infidelity or corruption.
 
A bit of background: I am a retired 350-year old ex-officer of Oliver Cromwell's New Model Army. I don't think it would be immodest of me to point out that I was responsible for arguably the only coup-d'etat in British history - namely the purging of the parliament of undesirable MPs and peers way back in December 1648, during the Second English Civil War. So clearly, I don't suffer fools glady, although I assure you I would be more than happy to make an exception in the case of the Daily Mail. Given a suitable fee of course.
 
I believe that as an ex-military man and Puritan, I'm sure I will be popular with the more conservative minded members of your readership - although the fact I was heavily involved in the events which led to the execution of the reigning monarch of the time may have to be kept quiet from the more Royalist of them.
 
(Don't worry about the Puritan bit by the way - I'm well and truly lapsed now and like most of Fleet Street am quite liable to down half a bottle of whisky given half of an excuse to do it, although I'd struggle to keep a mistress at my age, as you could well imagine.)
 
I do hope you’ll consider me for future columns and features in the Daily Mail on political, social, moral or religious issues. I'm sure that if we were allowed to cooperate, we would be able to forge a successful and fruitful working relationship to our mutual benefit - despite the fact you may regard many of my views and opinions as a form of socialism. 
 
In fact, considering your newspaper owner's fondness for national socialism - I believe we are already half-way there.
 
Thank you very much for your time.
 
Sincerely,
 
Thomas Pride
Senior Editor (Politics)
Pride's Purge
 
Tom Pride has his own blog where this article was first published - http://tompride.co.uk/ 
 
{module Facebook FanBox for articles}
 
{module Related articles} 
 
 
 

 

More News

Prev Next

Hits:12129

Two meetings, one voice

Two meeting…

You had to be there. North and south of the boro...

Read more

Hits:34321

New Site

New Site

We're back ;)   Read more: New Site...

Read more

Hits:12714

Corbyn Won Kensington Nomination

Corbyn Won …

On July 21st Jeremy Corbyn overwhelmingly won th...

Read more

Hits:13298

Hats-off to Micky P: Portobello Live 3rd/4th May

Hats-off to…

Reflecting on the Portobello Live Festival - by ...

Read more

Hits:16085

Portobello community stands up against plans to turn iconic area into bland shopping centre

Portobello

Hundreds of protestors, including children and p...

Read more

Hits:14174

Leon Löwentraut at the The Muse Gallery

Leon Löwent…

Never too early to become a full fledged artist ...

Read more

More News 2

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
Prev Next

Hits:15196

Greferendum: an anthology

Greferendum…

Thinking of Greece. ...

Read more

Hits:12713

Pink Cigar video release

Pink Cigar …

 Local down’n’dirty rock’n’roll outfit Pink Ciga...

Read more

Hits:16873

Gaz’s Rockin Blues 35th Anniversary Spectacular

Gaz’s Rocki…

Gaz’s Rockin Blues 35th Anniversary Spectacular ...

Read more

Hits:13832

Interactive Video Art at The Dissenters Gallery Catacombs

Interactive…

On Saturday 4 July, 11-5pm, a chance to see the ...

Read more

Hits:13112

"Exposed" a Solo Show by Louis-Nicholas Darbon

"Expos…

 Coming up Thursday- June 4th -  at the Graffik ...

Read more

Hits:13511

Mock The Opera Protest @ Holland Park

Mock The Op…

A protest is taking place tomorrow at the Hollan...

Read more

Hits:13980

Where next for Labour?

Where next …

 Labour’s defeat in the UK general election on M...

Read more

Hits:13313

Artists For Nepal – local benefit gig for Nepal

Artists For…

 Thursday May 21st at the Elgin with music, film...

Read more

Hits:13521

RED ALERT by Maximilian Wiedemann

RED ALERT b…

West Bank last exhibition at the current buildin...

Read more

Local Events Calendar

<<  <  July 2020  >  >>
 Mo  Tu  We  Th  Fr  Sa  Su 
  
  

Upcoming Events

Fb

writers pic2

We're looking for writers! Join in! (scroll down the article)

Rants

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • 6
  • 7

I don't do …

I don't do rants. But,

...it's a rant! ...

Read more

Last Night …

Last Night I Dreamt...

"I could see the body of Kim Kardashian..." ...

Read more

Portobello …

Portobello drinkers 'harassed' by children

  From our sports correspondent Dave 'the ...

Read more

Everyone’s …

Everyone’s a F*****g DJ

by Kensal Scream  At long last! Another salvo f...

Read more

Lap dogs …

Lap dogs & devil dogs - the final solution

By Kensal Scream Time for another rant by the K...

Read more

Trains and …

Trains and  lycra pants

 By Kensal Scream That Really Grinds my Gears i...

Read more

An e-mail f…

An e-mail from Billy Connolly?

We can not be sure that  it’s his but it co...

Read more

Your Experience

review and preview

Login or Sign Up